Pregnancy Draft

Not sure how this post is going to go but here goes:

This past year has had it's many ups and downs. While I have a lot to be grateful for, I do think it is fair that I be able to acknowledge my struggles. I don't journal anymore so this is going to have to be my substitute for it. Side note: I stopped journaling once I got married and moved to Philadelphia. Adulthood just became too hard for me and I felt like I didn't have anything positive to say and didn't want to document always being down or emo. Why is being a grown up so hard? Boo to being an adult.

Pregnancy
I will start with this struggle because it is shorter than some of my others. In the Spring I found out we were pregnant with our third child. Right from the start I had so many mixed emotions. On one hand I really like the idea of a "typical" large Mormon family with lots of kids and having them spaced closed together. I came from a family of five kids and have always thought that was a good number. And, while I think there are many benefits to large families, the more kids I have, the more stressed out I become (although if we're being real, I would be stressed out with one because stressing is just something I do, it's my hobby). I worry that I am a failure, that I am too OCD, too uptight, not teaching them enough academics, that we always look homeless because I don't put enough time and energy into our physical appearances, that they don't have too much "screen time", that I spoil them with fast food, , etc. You know, all the typical mom worries (or maybe not because I'm starting to accept Jeff's label of "crazy"). Haha. I worry that while I love being a mom I also want my own identity and alone time. I feel guilty for paying babysitters just so I can be left alone for a few hours. I want to be a mom, I just don't want that to be ONLY who I am.

So, with that being said, you can see how me finding out I was pregnant with number three was great because I love my kids and love being a mom, but difficult because it also meant more self induced stress. Also, I struggle with newborns and so that doesn't help. I blame Tyler for this though. That kid never slept and that was very hard for me. He scarred me for life. I should sue him for therapy or something.

Another struggle from this pregnancy was guilt. I felt guilty for having a hard time about being pregnant when so many good women out there can't get pregnant, many of whom I have as friends. I know we all have different trials and struggles but it is hard to complain about one when it would be a blessing for another. In fact, I have a good friend who has had to distance herself from me since all this and that has been very painful. I understand it logically, it just still hurts emotionally. My good friend Brittany Stott once said that we should never compare our trials and feel bad for struggling because someone else having a trial doesn't take away from our own. While I whole heartily believe this, it is sometimes hard to put this theory into practice.

Then came the morning sickness. Hold up, first of all, I don't know why they call it "morning sickness" since it just comes and goes whenever the heck it wants. Also, this "it only lasts the first trimester" is for crap. I get it for about 25 weeks. Each pregnancy has had different side effects but all still last well past the first trimester and some stay for the whole pregnancy. When I saw the doctor she prescribed a pill to help with the nausea; she said it may make me tired for the first few days but that eventually my body would get used to it. Tired? Try couldn't stay awake! I seriously laid on my couch with my kids playing in front of me and struggled to keep my eyes open. I only took it a few times and decided to stop because it was too dangerous to have me be so tired while watching my kids. I spoke to Blaine and turns out it was half anti nausea and half sleeping pill, or some sort of combo like that! What the heck? She did not say that! I can't take a sleeping pill while I have two kids at home I am responsible for! Eventually I got a new anti nasuea prescription and that help a little. Jeff says I was way sicker with Tyler and maybe he is right, but with the emotional struggles going on, this round of morning sickness felt worse.

With all these emotions and the difficulties of morning sickness I became very depressed. I just couldn't function. My sister Ana was very kind and came out, drove me and the kids to California to vacation with my family, drove us back to Arizona and stayed with us for a couple weeks after. I am so grateful she was willing and able to do this. Christy loved having her "Nana" around and was very disappointed when she had to go back to California.

I was also stressed about bringing a new baby into our marriage because we had been house hunting for almost a year and couldn't agree so was it really smart to add a new baby to the mix? I mean if we couldn't agree on a house how could we be united enough to parent a new baby? Speaking of not agreeing- then there is the name drama!

Another struggle for this pregnancy has been the fact that Jeff and I don't agree on boy names and never will apparently. Oh ya, I'm having a boy. In some ways I wanted a girl to avoid the name drama, but in other ways, in case we are done, I'm ok with Christy being the only gilr and being spoiled. I didn't want to have a boy because I didn't want to argue over the name. I also felt it was important for Tyler to have a brother. We actually prayed before the gender reveal ultrasound because I was worried he would be mad if it was a girl. Once we found out we were having a boy, the name game began. Fast forward to now, when I am due in ten days, we still do not have a name. That is very upsetting to me. I feel like it has contributed to me not bonding with the baby and struggling to find a place for him in my heart and in our family. I know once he comes I will love him and "can't imagine" not having him, but for now, I just struggle.

One funny thing about the name situation is that I have been calling him "Voldy" or "Mort" in reference to Harry Potter's Voldamort ("He who shall not be named"). Voldy has actually grown on me! Not that I would name him that, but I have come to think of it as a term of endearment and not a terrible villain from a book (probably because I never read the book).

This pregnancy was also hard because I was so stressed about if Jeff would be there for the birth or not. I didn't realize until recently that I must have some unresolved PTSD from Christy's birth because I am just worried sick Jeff will miss it again and it will be my fault. What doesn't help is this time around I am having lots of cramping and (most likely) braxton hicks. I do not normally get these and they sure are keeping me up at night. So then I think, "Ok, these are bad, must be happening, maybe Jeff should stay home tomorrow" but by the morning things are fine, except for that fact that I'm exhausted from not sleeping all night. Jeff working far away from home isn't fun regularly but definitely not when I'm this far along.

For the first ever, I now understand why women say they are "done" being pregnant by the end. With my previous two pregnancies I could never understand why women would be eager to have the pain of childbirth, nursing, and a new baby keeping you up at night. I guess it's a sad day when those things sound better than my current state of pregnancy. Haha. 

Housing
During this time we were also house hunting, which despite what everyone says, is NOT fun. The first hard part was switching real estate agents. The agent who helped us get into our rental always kept tabs on us and dropped off gifts, in hopes of earning our business. He was a friend of a friend so sometimes we even saw him socially. We weren't exactly happy with how he helped us with the rental so we were hesitant to use him for home buying but had recirecated his communication because we hadn't totally decided to write him off. One day out of the blue my friend Maile Box mentioned to me she had a good friend, Robin Warner who was a real estate agent and that I should give Robin a call. After talking with Robin on the phone I felt comfortable switching to her but I hated the idea of having to tell our current agent. I put it off for as long as I could but eventually had to tell him. He took it decent in person but definitely went cold after.

House hunting was not fun also due to the fact that Jeff and I are so different in every single way that finding a house seemed impossible. We both wanted two different locations, have very different styles as well as wants and needs. Eventually I stopped visiting houses without Jeff because I felt like it was a waste of time. And while I can look back and say the house issues is now resolved, it definitely was not an easy time for me. After 11 months we actually ended up buying Robin's house! I'll spare the details on that saga but just know, even that didn't come easy.

Moving
And now that we have moved out of our current rental, we have been issued a bill by the previous owner Roger. He has a $3,500 bill of ridiculous charges. We are in the works of talking to a lawyer to see how to best proceed but I am very angry and upset. I am upset because he was a super super annoying landlord to have, as well as one who did not do things totally legal and we NEVER fussed ONE bit! I was so kind and put up with so much of his stuff, looking back it's easy to say "I should have done this or that" but in the moment I was just trying to be nice. It is upsetting to know that our relationship, which I previously would have actually even called a "friendship" has ended this way. If I think about it too much I get so angry.

Moving in was rough but at least it is done. We moved in on December 17, 2018, three days before Christy's second birthday. Her birthday was hard for me because I was tired, in pain, overwhelmed, and literally out of oil (to make a cake).  Miraculously enough, a sister in the ward, Alison Holm offered our neighbor Monica Horne dinner and Monica suggested Alison bring it to us instead. I told Alsion we would love it and asked her if she had any oil we could have and she did! Cake never tasted better! In the move I had set aside the candles for Christy's cake so I would know where they were but couldn't remember where that place but luckily found a candle from a Halloween pumpkin so I plopped that on and all was well in the world.

Although things have mostly calmed down, Tyler did have to get stitches on his eyebrow from jumping off a rocking chair onto a footrest. That was so ridiculous you could't even imagine. He was worried they doctor was going to "cut his eye off". I wish the doctor had cut my ears off.

Well, I'm sure this negative post is long enough! Don't judge me for my struggles, just be grateful you have your own. Maybe I've said this on here before, but I once heard that if we put all of the world's struggles into a hat, we would actually want our own back. So, I guess I'll take mine! :)