Honest e-mail from Mandy

Mandy wrote this in an e-mail to a few of us and said I could share it (sorry for the format): 

My mom asked me to share this on her blog so I figured I would post it here too. I emailed this to my family yesterday.

Livy has been pretty sick the last few days. She has had a fever and been very moody. Last night I started trying to get her to fall asleep around 10:30 PM and was able to fall asleep around 4 AM because I had finally gotten her to sleep. It was a rough night. I haven't been able to leave her side (because she won't let me) for the past few days. Last night if I wasn't touching her, she would wake up and scream again. It made me have flashbacks to myself as a child.

When I was 3, I started having some horrible nightmares. In my nightmares witches or kidnappers would come to kid nap me. My nightmares were so real. My dad would often have to take me through the whole house and show me inside every closet and behind every door to show me I was safe. He said that he often worried something or someone really was in our house because I was so sure about it. I could describe the people in a lot of detail. My parents deserve a lot of brownie points in heaven for dealing with me. This lasted regularly for 3 years or so. Sometimes I still have those nightmares. 

In my nightmares, I was always safe if I was touching my mom or dad. As long as I had my hand touching them, I would not get kidnapped. This lead my poor parents to having many nights where I wanted to sleep in their bed. When my parents got tired of sharing a bed with me (I can't imagine why ;-) ), my mom said she would hold my hand through the night and I could sleep by the side of her bed. Eventually her arm got tired of hanging off of the bed, so she told me that as long as I was touching her bed, I would be safe. Eventually she added a lighthouse nightlight to something that would keep me safe from being kidnapped. ****DISCLAIMER: I have apologized to my parents for all that I put them through.****

Last night as I was the mom holding my daughter's hand while she was upset, I lost it. I realized how much love my mom had for me to hold my hand like that all night long even when she was so dang tired. I then started to feel extremely sorry for myself because soon my mom won't be here with me on earth anymore. I started crying A LOT! It is weird because some moments with my mom's sickness I am okay. I understand that everything happens for a reason, and then other moments just hit me with incredible grief and sadness. This was one of those moments. 

I kneeled next to Livy's bed and started to pour my heart and soul out to Heavenly Father. I asked Him to please take my Livy Lou's sickness away, to please help her feel better. I told him how hard it was for me to watch her struggle. I then told Him how hard life has been for us lately....how losing Jay (my Father-in-law), then losing my Grandma Niederhauser right after was horrible and how the thought of my mom going back to heaven soon too was too much to handle. I told him how watching her struggle is so hard and how I often dream of her being normal able to talk and walk. I told him that was a lot for any person to handle...but to have it all so close to each other was SOOO hard. 

As I stayed there trying to get Livy to sleep, still kind of in the middle of my prayer, I thought about how Heavenly Father is my father just like I am Livy's parent. He doesn't like to see me struggle either. He wants to take my pain and agony away, just like I want to take away Livy's. Then, I realized He already has. Because of Him, I get to be with my family forever. Because of Him, this life is not the end. Because of Him, I not only get to learn and grow from my trials, but they make me have a better understanding and a more perfect knowledge of His love for me. Just like Livy has to experience illness to build her immune system, I need to experience trials and hardships to help build me....to make me who I need to become. It is part of life, part of what I agreed to when I came to earth, and it will all be worth it. 

I am not saying that I am grateful for my trials, because I am definitely not to that point. I don't know if I ever will be. But I do know that I am grateful for Heavenly Father's help and blessings during my trials. He ALWAYS takes care of me. He ALWAYS loves me. 

Sharing my testimony in testimony meeting is hard these days with a wiggly toddler, so I figured this could count for me for next Sunday. I just felt like I should share this experience. I don't know why, but maybe it will help someone else. 

Know that I love you all. Thanks for reading!

Aunt Rebecca, as usual, stealing all the candy from the pinata and no remorse! ;)